As nearly 24 million Americans are dealing with an addiction at any given time, there are some common struggles that people go through. Just because someone is dealing with an addiction doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve to be in a relationship or can’t be loved. Dating a recovered addict is a unique experience but their commitment to making healthy choices can make them an especially respectful partner.
Here are five ways to stay happy when dating a recovering addict.
1. Figure Out a Consent Level
When you’re dating someone who has dealt with an addiction, you need to learn about what the present tense truly means. While they may sometimes say that they’ve recovered, all addicts know that their addiction takes daily management. One of the most common phrases in addiction management is “one day at a time”.
Learn about what they want to share the world and take cues from how they talk about their addiction. Ask questions and ask what their boundaries out. You’ll be able to learn how to use language that keeps them comfortable while being respectful of their needs.
When you’re in public, you shouldn’t disclose their addiction without their consent. If they’re a recovering alcoholic and they agree to go out to a dinner with friends where there will be drinking, it’s not your responsibility to tell everyone. It’s your partners right and responsibility to divulge as much or as little as they want about their addiction.
Always ask before you talk about their addiction with someone new.
2. Make a List of Activities
In a world where it seems there are booze laden treats everywhere and where marijuana is all but legal, managing an addiction is hard. Going to the movies might require that you avoid theaters where they serve alcohol. You might not be able to see some of the areas of Amsterdam that you’d planned on if you want to avoid places where people are openly using drugs.
Sit down together to map out a list of activities that you can do together.
This will actually give you a leg up on a lot of other couples. Instead of having that “what do you want to do” conversation over and over, you can look at the list of twenty things on the fridge and pick one.
Making a list of activities will help you avoid triggering things while also providing some limits.
You don’t have to abide by this list in a biblical sense but a little bit of insight can go a long way when you’re trying to make each other happy.
3. Learn Their Coping Mechanisms
Conquering an addiction requires coming up with smart coping mechanisms for tough times. There are moments when an addiction could be triggered when you don’t even realize it.
Addiction is often linked to emotional or psychological states. When your partner slips into one of the psychological states, they might need help. When your partner unable to get away from the things that drive them to addiction, they might need you to give them some distance.
Don’t expect to read their mind. Ask them what they need from you directly.
Just like anyone else, they might seem to be contradictory at times or take actions that don’t make a lot of sense to you. If you know what to anticipate, you won’t take it personally when they say they need to go for a walk after a frustrating conversation. If they take an unexpected trip to the gym after a hard day at work, let them have that time.
As long as they’re coping in a healthy way, you should support them. Take some time to learn more about the work they may have done in rehab.
4. Find Ways To Communicate
When you’re dating a recovered addict, you need to find ways to communicate about their addiction when it’s triggered or when things feel uncomfortable.
When you’re in public, your loved one will need to be able to tell you when a situation is harming them. You might want to have coded words or phrases to let each other know what’s going on. If you’re at a holiday party where people are using drugs in a room, a nod and a phrase can keep your partner from having to be triggered.
You can also find ways to talk about things in your private space to know when things are about to get heated. Just like safe words in sex, having safe words when dealing with an addiction can make a huge difference in your partner’s comfort level.
5. Hold Them Accountable
It’s up to all of us to work with our partners no matter what their problems are. We all have things that upset us more than others or issues that make us unique. However, we should never instrumentalize them as an excuse against the people we love.
When your partner is acting poorly toward you or being disrespectful, you should be able to let them know. Without leaning on their addiction or using it against them, you should be able to talk about what’s bothering you.
You deserve basic considerations, good communication, and to be loved by the person you’re with. Dealing with an addiction is your partner’s problem, just as you have your own problems. There’s a difference between asking someone for help with a problem and making it their fault or their issue.
Boundaries are important, so be sure to set them early and alert one another when they’re being breached.
Dating a Recovered Addict Is Special
When you’re dating a recovered addict, you’re going to be dating someone who has done a lot of hard work to fix problems in their life. Out there in the dating pool, there are lots of people who have no clue what their problems are. A recovered addict is someone who can have insight that can teach you things.
If you’re wondering if your own weed habit could affect your love life, check out our guide for what to expect.
